Confessions, Fears, and Making a Game Plan

Confessions:
I've lost weight before. Many times.  Many, many times. I've never been particularly small. And...I'm OK with that. The smallest I've ever been was a small size 12, almost a size 10, which I've only reached twice in my life - once my sophomore year of high school after a particularly difficult bout with strep throat and the other time after I spent the Spring semester of my sophomore year of college walking (and sometimes running) through the streets of London.  I can remember coming back from London and feeling so good. So happy. So confident. I'd like to be there again. Confession: right now, I'm a solid size 18...YIKES! That's much too big for my liking. I'm not very happy. Nor am I very confident, I just hide my lack of confidence well. ; )  I'm not going into this expecting to transform to a size 2 in a couple months with a perfect life. I'm a logical, realistic person. I'm not built to be tiny. I'm just not. I also know that it takes more than just a couple months to really lose weight safely and effectively. I've been on this roller coaster before. And I know that changes in my lifestyle will help me get to the life I want to live with my family and these changes will not happen overnight. However, I am hoping to maybe transform to that small size 12 again, or maybe even a 10 or...an 8? I don't know if I'll ever be able to get that small, but maybe.

I usually diet with the help of some sort of crazy restrictive diet, usually followed by obsession with foods and working out, resentment of the restrictions of yummy stuff and the lack of being a couch potato, and finished off with getting my fill of something ridiculously bad for me, topped with a double size helping of guilt.  I'm hoping that this will be my final weight loss journey because after this, I hope to have the body and life I've been needing so that I can be the happy me again. AND I hope to stay that way...happy...healthy...and maybe even thin?


Fears:
I have so many of them right now that it seems silly to even post them.  I'll just start with telling you straight out that I'm not quite over the "new mommy crazies" so many of my fears will have something to do with being a mother and/or my precious little boy (who, by the way, is so stinkin cute - just wait til I get a good idea of what I'm doing on here and can post pictures!). So, for example, I'm afraid Charlie is going to roll out of his bathtub in the sink. And sometimes I'm afraid he's going to smother when I wear him in the wrap. (I'm being honest here, right?) I'm afraid that I'm a disappointment to my husband as a wife and mother.  I'm worried that I'll never be able to manage a job, a household, and being a wife and parent. I'm afraid I wont follow through with this blog, give up, and live in my currently fat body...unhappily.


Now, for making my game plan:
I feel like it is important for me to have a game plan. I don't know that I've ever REALLY had a specific plan for how I was going to change my lifestyle, other than just lose weight with a super restrictive diet and tons of exercise. I want my overall goals to be very clear to me, as well as the steps needed to achieve those goals. So that's why I'm putting so much effort and thought into the planning and goals part of this thing. I don't want to fail this time. Or worse, succeed and then forget about it and fall back into my old habits and end up right where I am now.

So here's what I need to do.
1. Keep track of my daily activities and food journal
2. Set small goals for weight loss, activities, and trying new healthy recipes - include dates
3. Plan fun and active family days/activities
4. Get into a work out routine
5. Make healthy food choices, develop a meal plan that I can live with, and allow a cheat meal sometimes (less than 1/wk)
6. Get a starting weight and starting measurements
7. Be honest with myself and on my blog
8. Find a partner in crime

• Keeping track of my daily activities and food shouldn't be too hard... that's what this blog is for!
• Setting small goals for my weight loss, activities, and trying new healthy recipes might be a little more difficult because I have to remember to be realistic and keep in mind that I am not trying to change overnight. And I am not expecting dramatic weight loss or a lifestyle change overnight. This will take work.
• I am excited about the idea of planning some fun and active days for our family. Chris and I love spending time with Charlie as a family. I'm excited to start making some memories...even if he's not old enough to remember them yet! :)
• It's the food choices that can get to me. I can become obsessed with the foods I eat so much that it consumes me, and then I end up overeating because I resent feeling like I HAVE to eat a certain way or because I've been too restrictive. I just end up eating way too much and then feeling miserably overstuffed and guilty afterwards. However, think I know where I want to go with my food plan.
• I'll not be revealing my starting weight or measurements, just so you know. I will, however, record any changes.
• Be honest...no excuses. If I want some ice cream, I'll probably have some ice cream. I LOVE ICE CREAM. But I need to fess up to it too.
• I feel like I will do better with a partner because I don't want to feel like I'm in this alone. I want someone to keep me accountable for my workouts, food choices, and overall healthy lifestyle. I know that Chris has several of the same goals as me, but his schedule is so sporadic and he sometimes doesn't get home until late at night if he has class. I would like for my partner to be local, so we can work out together if possible. But I would also be very happy with just a friend to check in with regularly to remind me of my goals.

I'll end by telling you that my next couple of posts will outline my eating plan, my long term and short term goals, and my workout routine, and will also start listing some fun family activities. Any ideas for fun stuff to do with a newborn? I need some.

Ok, I figured out how to post some pictures, so I'll do that here...shamelessly. :)

This is Chris and me on our honeymoon, 2007. I was pretty happy here. :)

And at the beach last summer.

And exhausted with our brand new baby boy, Charlie.

Admit it. He's pretty much the cutest baby ever.

Until next time.  Let's do this thing.